I’m gonna jump right in with these ten important things.
First my top 7 reasons that parenting Teenagers doesn’t suck:
They tie their own shoes.
They catch their own vomit.
They wipe their own butts.
They fall asleep on their own.
They can text me their food requests (less steps to climb).
They remove their own snot.
They sleep in.
And now the three reasons it does :
They don’t need me as much as they used to.
They are becoming more and more independent and now I have to look at who I am outside of them.
Our time living under the same roof is closer to ending.
I bet you see what I did there. A little play on what you might have been expecting when you saw the title. Let’s be real here, parenting has its challenges and rewards at every single age and stage.
My challenge to you would be the next time you are gathered with your friends and a complaint about parenting rushes to the tip of your tongue, replace it instead with a celebration. If there is something pushing you to the edges of your own comfort, instead of blaming your child for being challenging ask your community for support. It is not easy to be a child in the world either. They have little control over when they can do what they want, where they live, their schedule and the financial resources they have any say over. So meet them with compassion as they are expanding out into the world and grow from there together.
I give you permission from this moment forward to be your child’s biggest, loudest, most adoring fan, – especially in the moments when they eye roll their way behind a slamming door. Sit in your own discomfort and marinate on the lessons available to you. Then defy the societal norms to say nasty things about your kids and instead say something you appreciate about them. Or take it a step further and write them a note about something you admire about who they are becoming in the world. Keep returning your focus over and over again to the positive. There are endless mindset resources available for turning your thinking about yourself, your business, your potential around – use that same framework to reset how you see your ever changing awesome child in the world. Stick notes on the mirror that remind you to compliment your child each day if that’s what it takes to make it a habit.
I know you will still feel the pile up of frustration that happens when you are working through hard parts in any relationship. If you can take this challenge and turn your eyes to what is working, or reach out and be vulnerable about your challenges, you will see things beginning to shift even if it’s just in your own mind. It is the subtlety of changing your thoughts that will absolutely change your parenting life for both you and that child you love more than you thought possible.
So go out there reader and change it up. Love large and chase a positive parenting mindset.
I have stumbled across a few places in the world where parents are walking the impossible line of risk assessment in the midst of a pandemic with teens and young adults who naturally should be out in the world discovering who they are in relationships with their peers. We are the parents writing the manual of how to do this. No one has done it before us. Hopefully, no one will have to do it after us.
It might have been “fun” to embrace the challenge in the beginning but as time goes on and we all get weary it can start to feel easier to risk all the things in order to help lift the spirits of our young people who are struggling. Yet, it is still dangerous. It is not just a cold we are talking about. There isn’t a clear path of who survives this virus and who dies from it. We are all having more risk management discussions than we thought we ever would. So I wanted to come to this space and make a list of ways to keep those teens connected, building relationships and safe.
For research I turned to my resident experts, asking my own children how they were staying connected with their peer groups. I do feel like we have a bit of an advantage here as my boys have been staying in touch with far away friends for over a decade now. That’s not to say it is any easier just that they have had to exercise this muscle a little more frequently.
The first thing they said was “DISCORD!” I am hard pressed to believe there are parents of young adults out there who don’t know what Discord is but I did not realize how many things you could do in this simple application. Turns out you can use if for all kinds of connecting. Shared screens so you can all watch the same movie at the same time with additional ability to text chat or pause and audio chat to discuss plot twists, suspenseful moments and what just might happen next.
This ability to screen share also makes it the ideal space to do some skill sharing. Depending on the interest level of your Teens they could set up a weekly skill share passing around the leader role to whoever is ready to teach their friends something new. Along those same lines, they could to a craft kit or drawing kit together. Everyone orders the same candle making kit on line and when it arrives turn on those cameras and follow the directions together. Or maybe they have all wanted to learn how to build a birdhouse, watch a youtube video, screen share to create the blueprint together and take it away from there.
My sons both love to play video games so this has been an endless source of connection and joy with their peer groups. Here is a look at a few low cost options for those looking to get into some on line game play with their peer group. I am assured there are plenty of free on line cooperative games both through the App store on handheld devices, within Steam and with your own google search. In fact, my oldest just finished completing a jigsaw puzzles with his peers from three different states.
Jack Box Games have been a hit for us as a family and with friends. They are having a sale at the writing of this and could make great gifts for peer groups leading to lots of fun through the winter months. For a small fee as well you can purchase Table Top Simulator and then Steam offers plenty of free versions of classic board games that can be played with all sizes of groups. Again since this is an online digital purchase no holding your breath for the post to arrive in time for the holidays.
My youngest son reminded me of all the ways Minecraft can keep giving back to people. Whether it is just side by side play in a discord call or adding a mod pack and joining a server together the open world is endless in possibilities. I have seen peer groups replicate places they have visited together, creating their dream utopia or challenging each other to complete a list of tasks. Whatever they choose it is hours of conversation, decision making and creativity. That’s before we even begin to talk about the cooperation and team building skills. As a side note, getting involved as a parent is a bonus gift. The other day my nephew, I haven’t seen in almost a year, called to tell me all about his Minecraft adventures. He’s freshly five and it’s all brand new and I was able to keep the conversation going because of what I learned through gaming with my own boys!
I have also been told by my resident experts that Stardew Valley, available on multiple platforms, gives an open ended space for recreating farms, villages and even trying out new relationships. A way for peers to set up and test their skills at running a world with some creative life choices.
These free games are a for sure way to bring friends together to build cooperative thinking skills in high pressure situations. Apex Legends, CSGO and League of Legends all require players to work as a team toward a common goal. They are responsible for my boys building more skills than I can fit in this post!
I can not leave the gaming topic without mentioning Ultimate Chicken Horse which I have heard hours of laughter stemming from all the in-game cause and effect decisions that need to be made. And there is Among Us, a recent addition to the gaming world that has captured the hearts and attention of all age groups. Also, why not do some trial and error on those free games in the App store and compile their best most hilarious reviews of the positive and negatives of the game.
If you have readers, Discord can be the platform for your book club. Chefs host a night to teach your friends to make your favorite dish. Send out the recipe ahead of time so everyone can gather the resources they need. Or take it a step further and put packages together to safely drop on the porch to be used for the culinary adventures. Maybe they have neighbors that could use a home cooked meal or baked cookie surprise this holiday season.
What about pulling apart a favorite play and having each person record their lines. Someone can then take on the editing job and create season 1 of your own playhouse. This could even involve the mocking or remaking of favorite TV programs. Why not write a song together, someone gathers the tracks and puts the new hit together.
These times require an endless supply of out of the box thinking in order to keep connecting as our old familiar activities fall away. I like to think though of what it is my sons are learning in this time. They are learning a resiliency I never had to, they are taping into creativity I didn’t lean on at their age and they are adjusting goals and expectations to meet the changing world. It is sad some days and it is glorious others when we recognize these humans will one day be the leaders of our world and they’ve already thrived through their first pandemic with all kinds of survival skills.
I can’t end this post with out mentioning, to you parents out there reading, don’t forget to join in on these activities with your children. This time is affording us a chance to be together more often, to learn from each other and grow in directions you couldn’t even see a year ago.
Please fill the comments with all the ways I missed that the humans in your home are finding to stay connected.
It’s been a while since I’ve turned to this space to spill out some words. I can find myself looking around the world and wondering if anything I have to say is worth it in comparison to the great pain that is being felt in the streets, in isolated hospital rooms and in abandoned businesses.
Can I really justify another post about the importance of loving our children just as they are and not as someone else’s idea of what they should be? And then I remember. That truly what I am hoping to do in the world is to remind parents that they can not tear down the systems of oppression in the world outside of their home if they are continuing to exercise a power over dynamic with their children. It’s shifting toward partnering with our children that creates the model of what they will look for and call for in the futures they are stepping into.
I remember years back coming across a bumper sticker that read “world peace begins at home be nicer to your kids” and instantly understanding the deep truth of the message. The reality that I can’t be a peace activist out in the world if I am a dictator at home. I had to start with myself first. A careful analysis of the places where I was already causing harm. Yelling at someone smaller than me, with less experience in the world who was simply experimenting with ways to get their needs met, was causing harm. Demanding a level of respect without handing back that same level of respect was causing harm. Ignoring requests for love and attention for reasons I had deemed to be of higher importance was causing harm. So I began the work of causing less harm right there in the space that I had the most control and influence, my home.
I had been raised on systems of oppression. Systems that wanted me seen but not heard. Systems that indoctrinated me into believe there was one right way to be in the world. Systems that had me believe my age and experience gave me power over those, younger with less experience. Systems that gave unearned privilege to those born into skin and bodies they had no choice over.
I’d like to say once I saw this I got to work right away at tearing it all down. But that would be lying. It has been an 18 years journey of questioning the entire world around me. It started with wanting to preserve the humans my children already were and to create a space for them to grow into that knowing. It has lead to continual, repeated deep reflection of the racist systems and structures that have shaped the spaces I walk in everyday.
When I began questioning how I was going to parent my children I had no idea I was opening the door to questioning everything else I had ever thought to be true. Yet, I can see it now. My children were given the freedom to question which they continue to liberally apply to every situation they encounter. I’ll never forget the first moment my eldest said to me “I think that’s a racist term mom,” and I learned another place where I had been causing harm. Being heard and valued in our family made him want a better space for us both. Calling me in for my ignorance was a necessary step in that process.
My friend Patti Digh reminded me years ago as I stepped into a more active roll in my community to start local, to understand what my neighbors and community needed and to influence change at that level. I am here today to say there is nothing more local than my own home. Influencing change starts in my home, by shifting the power dynamic away from power over to partnering with.
There are headlines everywhere confirming what we have known to be true for a long time black bodies are not safe. As a white woman it is my job to understand my own racism and commit to an anti-racist plan. It is not enough to simply say I am not a racist. It is not enough to share articles on line and speak my outrage. This is an all hands on deck commitment to erasing white supremacy and all the nooks it exists within myself, my family and my community.
As a parent it is also my job to get my kids involved. As a mother to two males it feels even more crucial. I know my boys are committed to equality, I have seen it in the ease with which they ask about pronouns, point out my own blindspots and question what I think it true. Still I need to keep checking in and digging deeper into the actual work of being truly anti-racist.
There is the work I need to continue doing daily for the rest of my life. There is the work of helping my children to also understand in age appropriate ways. Stories have always been my way into understanding and a beautiful way to begin conversation with my children. Here is a collection of stories and writers that can support the raising of anti-racist children.
This is just the tip of the iceberg friends. Do you have resources you are using in your family? Let me know and I will add them to this building list. Are there BIPOC that you are following that are speaking out about parenting? Let’s give them our dollars, our likes, our follows, our ears, our support but mostly our commitment to the work required to create a just world for ALL children.
As we wander towards re-opening this and that in our world, I like so many others wish for a one right way to do this. I want the answers. Mask no mask? Travel is it say is it not safe? I can turn on my computer and find more than one article that supports both sides of the question. It’s all a little overwhelming.
Back when the boys were younger we created a family mission statement. A place that we could return to time and time again to make important decisions from. It hangs on the wall in the kitchen and has stopped me more than once from launching into a decision that might harm those I had committed to live so intentionally alongside.
I’ve started to wonder if I can create a similar sort of place to move from when it comes to reentering the world with a pandemic still very much at play. I know I don’t want to make decisions based on individualism but instead want to consider the community around me. Before engaging in an activity, I can ask “could this put my community at risk,” and if the answer is yes, then it is time to either get comfortable with the discomfort of missing out or get creative in finding solutions that keep each of us safe. As a white woman this sitting with discomfort is unfamiliar so it’s going to take practice, commitment and patience.
There is going to need to be a level of humility as well. The rate at which information is changing means that what I do to make a difference today may not be the right thing to do tomorrow. I can get all caught up in my own shame spiral, stamp my feet and cling to outdated information. Or I can return to my original commitment to the health and safety of the community I live in. Similar to the family mission statement, I want to return here to ensure I am living from that same place of intentionality.
I realize that just like life before the Pandemic there will be individual choices. Each one of us will read, will learn and will decide what to do based on our personal experience. I hope I will be able to be patient with my judgment of others. Because maybe they are still living on last month’s information. The rush to judgment is my go to especially when I feel fearful or judged myself. I am hoping with the lessons of the past months and the rapid rate that things are changing at that I can invite in curiosity to lead toward compassion in hopes of connecting across divided lines for the common health of the community.
It’s never before been more true that I don’t know anymore than my sons about what the right move is, or when the right time to do it will be. As a good friend reminded me the other day, “we are writing the manual,” parents have not lived through a pandemic like this before. I hope as they continue coming to me as a sounding board that I can guide them toward their own internal compass by exposing mine with an honest commitment to untangle the broken systems that have brought the world around us to collapse under the weight of a tiny virus. In the best case scenario it will give them a roadmap to grow from, at the least, I’ll be proud of who they see in front of them.
Anyone who has ever read anything I’ve written about being a mom knows that we are a gaming family. If my boys were reading this they would say they are gamers and I kinda of pretend to be one. So it’s know surprise that when life got out of control challenging, I turned to the world of games to find some footing. It started by picking up Jane McGonigal’s SuperBetter (which I think everyone could benefit from reading) and thinking about how I could bring a game into our day to day lives as a way to stay connected in these uncertain times.
It started with writing a few quests on a white board and an angling it so it was the first thing people saw when they stumbled out of bed. With in the first day I started to see the benefit would go beyond what I had imagined. My youngest son immediately began to find ways to hack through the game. Taking my words literally and turning them to his advantage so that he could get as many points with as little effort as possible. Which upped my game in writing the quests the next day. Which of course made the players up their game. Only four days in and I love how each day the game expands ands stretches based on the previous days questing adventure.
Our super powers include fighting viruses, alchemizing everyday materials, sniffing out bullsh%% and conquering games. Our creativity it stretching both in what we create and how we are creating. We are expanding our resilience. More than that though, we are having fun together as the unit that we are and in doing so reminding ourselves of all the ways that we can do hard things together.
He sits breathing heavily at the edge of the pool. 5 laps into his goal of 15. A goal he has chosen for himself. I long to call out “you could just start with 10.” Or maybe even that 5 is enough. I bite hard on my tongue, reminding myself that this is his goal, not mine. That I am here to witness and nothing more. I do ask are you okay? He gives me a look of determination that indicates, as I suspected, that I am not to speak right now. The 15 laps finish. He tells me how hard it was. While also how happy he is that he did it. I share about my tongue biting moments. He reminds me that he can do hard things. In fact he is looking to push just that part of him.
He sends me a text. “I has no money now.” It’s his first time away in the world managing his own funds. He has watched them. Made decisions on what to buy and when not say no thanks. I want to rush to the app and put more money in his bank account. Instead I ask “do you need more money?” He says “I don’t know.” We chat a bit more and he says “can I let you know tomorrow about the money?” Of course he can. I will sit quietly with my angst and trust he can handle this. When he comes to me to ask for money it’s because his friends will buy pizza and he wants to be able to contribute. I swell inside and get the funds to him. He is only asking for what he needs. He doesn’t require me to decide that for him. He in fact doesn’t want me making those decisions. He’s out here trying new things. Gathering skills that will sustain him beyond me and he wants room to own that outside of us.
My heart breaks and expands wider. I hear the request to stop rushing in for the rescue. So that they may both succeed or fail on their own merits. It’s bitter and sweet all in the same breath. And exactly, naturally where we ought to be in this season of their growing.
The first time we made an extra bubbles bubble bath was quite by accident. We had moved into a new home and the tub had JETS. This was new to us. We’d played with them at a hotel once but never with the freedom of our very own tub. One night the boys were enjoying a normal bubble bath when they called out to have the jets turned out. I turned the nob and much to their delight the bubbles around them began to grow bigger and bigger until they it was only their heads poking out above the bubble cloud.
I do remember thinking what a mess this could make and reaching my hand toward the the dial. As a mom of two young boys there always seemed to be more mess than there was time. But as I listened to the two of them laugh from deep in their bellies I knew this letting the bubbles grow was worth it. I could almost see them years later remembering back to those big bubble baths they used to have when they were both able to fit in a tub together (and honestly were willing to bath together.) The time passes quickly and already when I look back it’s never once the clean up part of the moment that I remember. It’s always the joy, the laughter with hope that they might one day remember to say yes to someone who’s looking to have a big adventure no matter what mess it might bring.
In a moment of frustration I said to my husband the other day “this parenting of teens business is all about do this for me, get this for me, help me here, now back the fuck off and leave me alone. ” Pardon the cussing but I was in a heated moment. When I can take a moment to breath and re-center myself I can pull back a few layers of what is going on.
I truly believe that this whole business of parenting is a long series of letting go. Whether it is letting go of expectations, or letting go of societal stories about what should be happening or the hardest for me the letting go of the child themselves. When they are little and needing so much of my day I show up to help them meet their needs. All hands on deck. Now that what they need is for me to pull my hands back and trust in their independence it’s challenging me. And when I am challenged my tendency is to fall back on to those patterns I learned growing up in my own childhood. So I turn first to blame. Clearly it is their fault, they are ungrateful, they are insert other words that toss about blame. When blame begins to feel bitter on my tongue I switch up the outdoor motion to focus on me because clearly I am the victim of something here. My feelings are hurt, I am not being heard, I am not being respected. And on goes the misplaced emotions.
All of these big emotions are happening. The responsibility for them though does not lie within my children. Just as when they were younger, the owner is me. This reminder they bring to me is that there is another layer of work that needs to be done so I can continue to show up and parent from a place of intention and not a place of reaction. Sigh. Though the work of taking responsibility for my own reaction can feel hard loosing the connection and trusted role I have in my boys lives would be devastating. So I do take the step back. I untangle all the feelings to trace them back to their roots so that I am able to let go of that which is holding me back from showing up with both joy and support in the lives of the human beings that are before me. When blame and judgement want to be the leaders of the party I am reacting from stories that are woven from the past and missing the chance to witness the actual moment in front of me.
It is true that I am faster at returning to my center these days. It is also true that I can get knocked of course without warning. Which is why I surround myself with that sort of friends who won’t take sides in an argument, who will ask gentle probing questions and will continue to hold the well being of my children and our relationship as highest priority. One tip that I am certain I will visit again was the sharing of the story that essentially pointed out my reaction might just be the feeling of boundaries being crossed. There is some deep food for thought with in that. Even deeper than my own boundaries, is to ask could the reactions I am witnessing from my children be because I am trying to cross their boundaries. And if that is the case might I bow down in gratitude to a journey which has allowed them to know the edges of their boundaries and defend them with a confidence I’m still myself building up.
So yes, this phase of letting go of the children launching toward adulthood may feel as though it will pull my heart straight out of my chest it holds the most magic if I can stay present. If I can be grounded in my intention, within all the circumstances, I up the odds that I will, for all the adult time, still have a seat, in the front row of these awesome human beings lives.