As I type this the house is completely still and quiet. I can hear the song birds outside. And it is 10:48 am. When my boys were younger for many years I could not imagine this moment, where I was the first awake with a stretch of time before me to do with as I please. Things have changed quickly over the past months. I have time. I have the ability to leave the house alone for short periods. My response is not what I imagined it would be back in those baby, toddler, little boys tending years. I sort of want to wake them up to play with me. The tables of turned.
I do remember how un-useful it was for me in those early years to hear someone offer up the sort of advice that said exactly what I am feeling to be true now. I wound’t listen in fact I tuned them out. And I try to remember that now when I encounter a sleep deprived mama who feels so caught up in giving to little people that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Cause really what we are all looking for is someone to simply sit by our side and hear our story to shorten the space between you and I.
So this is my story right now. In the blink of an eye I have two children in double digits and I am not sure my heart can handle the idea that from this moment forward all they are going to do is move farther and farther away from me. It’s put a lot of stuff in to perspective. It’s why the blog may be a little dusty. Cause I am longing to soak up every request for cuddles, snacks and games played together. I am researching super cool things to do that might appeal to young boys, I am steeping myself in game language and culture so that I might have something to add to the conversation and YES I am seeking out youtube videos that might have not been seen yet to add to the mix. While simultaneously standing in the background of people wanting to try being in the world with a bit less mom.
It’s understanding how to be needed in an I am available even when you are not interacting with me sort of thing. I am present and ready to kick in to high gear, even when you are fully okay on your own. It’s such a different availability to the hands on physicalness of the younger children. And I will admit that I likely drop what ever I am doing to engage with my older children now faster then I did when they were little. The endlessness of the days back then made it possible for me to know there would likely be another moment to play hockey outside, just around the corner. But now with endings happening faster then I can catch my breath at, I know that this actually might be the last invitation into the particular activity.
I forgot to notice some endings and I am hoping to catch a few more. Cause if I knew it was the last time he would jump in to the shower with me, I would have paid more attention to the intimacy of that moment. To the space between us. If I had known it would be his last hockey game, I would have taken more photos, documented what he looked like, what we said and in some way marked that ending with some flair instead of letting it pass unnoticed.
So in my quiet morning moments, while I fight the urge to wake them to play with me, I am gathering steam to be present in this new dynamic so that I may mark, if only in my heart space, the preciousness of this time passing now that the days feel shorter.