Really? These two in one post? Where’s the connection? Aside from doing both back to back in the same weekend there is more.
For the car negotiating, I was excited. You see our current dealership, who we lease a vehicle from, sent as a letter. In the letter they stated that quality vehicles like ours where in high demand and short supply and as a result they would like to offer us a highly competitive deal, with such lofty promises one has to at least consider a switch in vehicles.
I decided this was a chance to really research some vehicles. To take a look around me, read up on reviews, consider what I truly wanted in a vehicle. Then armed with all of this information head in to the dealership an informed customer and get me a highly competitive deal.
Due to the fact that I have made it to 39 without directly dealing with car salesmen, I may have been a little naive when I walked through the doors. I thought, from the letter, that I was in the power position. That I had some negotiating prowess. Then I met the bad cop before I met the good cop and my courage wavered.
After being informed on what was owing on my lease as the first words spoken I sensed this was turning away from the letter of intention. I reminded the gentleman quickly that he had in fact enticed me to visit him. Enter good cop, all smiles and enthusiasm and I was lured right back in to the trap.
I won’t bore you with the details of my car inspection, my heart strings pulling, my absolute plunge in to the depths of the dealerships ploys. Leave it to say they had my keys and offered to up my payment $250.00 a month after I gave them $5,000 for vehicle that was a year older then mine and being sold for what I owed on the lease.
Outraged all I could muster was to stand and declare “I’m done give me my keys.” When insulted yet again by the finance man, I repeated my request with more urgency. You see if this did not end soon I was either going to spew insults of highly offensive levels at this man or let him see my cry. And I was holding tight to whatever dignity I felt I had left.
The icing on the cake had to be when hours later the manager called my husband, not me. He said to him, “We know your wife was upset, how about you and I sit down and talk numbers.” There were insults hurled at this point and customers lost to the dealership with increased certainty.
My first “thing I’ve never done before” fail. I was angry in a ridiculous way.
Aerial Yoga was the next morning. I loved it. I pushed to the edges of my vulnerability and fell forward. I released fear and embraced courage. All in a safe place created by the instructor and my fellow community of classmates.
During the closing moments. Where I was completely cocooned with in my silken swing, the instructor said these words, “and sometimes when we feel vulnerable we get angry.”
Nail on head. I was so angry at the dealership because I felt vulnerable. And not in a safe sort of way. I was happy to be vulnerable in aerial yoga, to the point of hanging upside down with nothing but my feet holding me in place. I was vulnerably relying on complete strangers to spot me while I got half way in to my first every head stand. The whole time feeling a sense of safety and peace.
In the dealership I was unexpectedly sent spiraling in to a vulnerable place and it was completely unsafe to be there. My vulnerability was actually being used against me to force me in to a decision or deal that was clearly not in my best interest.
Two completely different experiences with vulnerability. Along with two experiences feeling completely out of control. Inevitably, two unique experiences in which to learn and grow from.
The biggest growth for me comes in noticing my own vulnerability. When I am comforted with unexpected feelings of vulnerability in places that feel less then safe I get mad. I get really mad. I want to yell and blame and scream. And then I want to change. I want to stop being open. I want to hide. I want to make sure there is no way in HELL that anyone will every make me feel like this again. I will shut down the part of me the gives and trusts and then those fuckers will never get at me again.
In stark contrast, when I do something I have never done before and I put it all out there in to a safe space, I want more. The high of pushing past vulnerability in to new places of self knowing and strength is the ultimate high. It is the place where my wildest dreams are right there in front of me. It is when I know I can do it, all of it, anything!
So how does one marry the two in to their being in the world?
First by knowing this is what happens. By reminding myself in the moment that I am mad and vulnerable and scared and choosing when it is worth it. It wasn’t worth it at the dealership. It was at Aerial Yoga.
Secondly, by having soft, safe arms to fall in to. I knew my husbands arms were wide open and accepting. They were what I would fall in to. Where I would weep until I found my way back.
Thirdly, by trusting myself. That voice inside of me that speaks only to me. Trusting it knows me best of all and listening. Really listening to that voice over all the clutter of outside opinions.
Finally, by setting up the sort of space in my life where I can get vulnerable and survive. So the moments of vulnerability that lead to anger are ridiculously less then the moments of vulnerability that lead to that high I mentioned earlier.