It’s getting all sexy up in the blog today! And yes, I really would have more sex if I could restart my parenting journey. Sex has something to do with parenting? For me yes, yes it does, cause it is at the heart of the relationship I am committed to having with my children’s father.
It’s a lot of be catapulted, in a matter of hours, from being a woman to be a mother. I know there is the nine month lead up that was supposed to give time to adjust, but for me, it didn’t fully hit until the moment I met my first born child. I was suddenly responsible for keeping another human being alive. One day I’m taking extra long hot baths and the next I am skipping bathing all together because this tiny little human can not leave me alone. In these very same moments my breasts moved from sexy play toys to life sustaining milk givers. Not to mention that part of me that had just launched a human being in to the world. That’s a lot for a body to take on, a lot of transformation to cycle in.
I also found it hard to understand just how I could be a devoted, attentive mother and a sexual being. Especially in the early years, as I mentioned above, when parts of my body that had once been used one way were now being used to feed my child. It was a mind bend.
I also received a TON of support from other mom’s that gave the message, that sex was just something my husband needed from time to time. And since I was raising and tending to his children all day long, it was kinda of my right to say no, over and over again.
There is of course the touched out feeling, that moms feel at the end of almost everyday. The thought that if one more person asks me for anything or wants to lay hands on me, I’m gonna loose my shit. It’s not a wonder my husband tended to stay sitting at the other end of the couch.
In my mind I was also operating from a place where I was certain that my marriage could just self soothe through these child rearing years and be okay on the other side. Marriages, like babies, can be harmed by the idea of self soothing. It’s like being left alone to care for things that you don’t yet have the skills to care for so what ends up happening is a sort of shut down. Marriages, like babies, need to be tended to with love and a whole lot of touching.
I wish, this article, 16 Reasons to Have Sex Daily, had fallen in to my lap, back in the time of not much sex, to wake me up to just what I was missing out on. I really was a little clueless to the benefits of sex, not just in the ways the articles shares, which are all pretty awesome, but in the ways it could bring me back to my husband. When frustrated, angry, confused and disconnected, it was super easy for me to turn my husband in to the super evil villian in all my stories. But if I could have put my guard down and accepted a loving kiss, I could have been reminded of the parts of him I fell in love with. Or at least opened my heart to the places I had closed off. Touch is an instant reconnect, a way back to the person and out of the story in my head. I now know, when I pull back from a hug, or pull out the closed off body language, what I need most is the hug (or foot rub or massage or ….).
I am grateful that my marriage limped it’s way through those rough patches. Hanging on by our love and commitment alone, a lot of the time. I am thankful that my husband is a patient man. I am even more thankful that I am now surrounded by the sorts of women friends who openly talk about sex and the importance of having some, regularly and often. As well, as the challenges of making that happen in a co-sleeping, hands on parenting household. This is the exactly the life support I need.
Sex makes me happier. When I am happier I am an all around better mom, wife, friend and ultimately human being. So, if I had it to do over, I’d have more sex.
P.S. Yes, honey, it’s true I will never make that mistake again (wink wink nudge nudge)